I’m going on a Food Safari !
Not a real one with BBC Foods or anything fancy like that but one I have
decided to undertake for myself. My
husband finally has some “semi-family” visiting from Germany and he wants to
take them around the country. With a
sort of ho-hum, done that a few times attitude I thought I might give it an
angle and came up a Food Safari – I mean how hard can it be .. After all Floyd
did it?
DAY ONE
Another brief gastronome moment was dashed when we pulled
into a delightful country retreat to enjoy a home baked pie that we had
experienced on another occasion, only to find the country retreat was no more
with not a pie to be seen, homemade or otherwise and lot of people giving us
the evil eye as we swung in and out – dammit, but I mustn’t be despondent,
there are still 9 more days to go.
We have arrived at Caribbean Bay and now ready for dinner –
my husband and guests have discovered Savannah and started enjoying the
trip. I on the other hand am being a
little more discerning with a Gin and Tonic.. (Floyd did this – talked about
food and drink together, very clever)
Overall Crit on the food – the Butternut soup was a little
thin (note to self to email the Chef Tammy Crawford’s Butternut Soup recipe) The
Kariba bream was outstanding and the Crème Caramel was delicious – I really am
quite good at this
DAY 2
Breakfast was rather a greasy affair – lots of eggs, bacon,
potatoes and baked beans. I love baked
beans, I know this isn’t very Floyd like but I like them anyway. Mental pat on the back for remembering the
“goodie food pack” with woollies biscuits, chips, gummy sweets etc, especially
of the foods going to be like this all the way … My husband played games with the Baboons by
throwing the remains of my gourmet rolls out the window on the way to the Ferry
– not quite what I had in mind when I made them
Arrived on the Ferry – it’s great, sauntered over towards
the Galley and found Tea Coffee and lovely chocolate biscuits on the go. Will try just a few. Cars are loaded and we are off and bloody
hell, it’s time for lunch. I swear I can
still taste the chocolate biscuits – never mind, I am here to try
everything. Lovely cold meats and
salad (note to self to send the Captain Mrs Nels Three Bean Salad recipe as she
doesn’t use so much vinegar) Just
finished the last mouthful of fruit salad and its tea time with those damn
biscuits again. My family have paid
little attention to anything other than SavannahsDAY THREE
Another greasy breakfast – but necessary after all that wine so well received. Eggs, Bacon, Baked Beans (thanks again) and toast. Husband complained and guests ate a piece of toast. I do wonder if I seem to be eating a lot but then remember that I am on a food safari so feel better
We are off the Ferry and heading for Botswana but Husband
feels the need to stop in Vic Falls for lunch – not sure why as we have just
had breakfast but will humour him as even toasted sandwiches deserve to be
critiqued. These took over an hour to
make .. so instead they drank Savannahs and I ended up driving to
Botswana.
We have arrived at Mowana – stunning, fab, lovely
place. We had to go to dinner early as
my husband says one bloody tomato sandwich is not a lunch and needs to eat Now
! Flipping Hell – the damn buffet stretches
from one end of the restaurant to the other.
The waiter tries to tell us what’s on the menu but my husband fobs him
off and makes for the food. I decide
that Floyd would start at one end and try a little of everything. Getting strange looks from the lady on table
3 as I go back for the sixth time.
En-familie hasn’t noticed as they are all drinking bloody
Savannahs. I have ordered yet another
bottle of wine .. Just found out I have
eaten Crocodile, Eland and Goat – not my normal diet and feel a little strange
but that could be the wine
DAY FOUR
I don’t believe it – breakfast is another room long buffet
meal. Visitors eat more toast… (Note to
self, must eat Toast tomorrow as you will have sampled the buffet today) Exceptionally tasty, not greasy at all and
the chef knew how to cook two fried eggs with the yolk only – I hate the white
of an egg! Guests and Husband decide
lunch is just going to be Savannahs and I grudgingly relent but end up drinking
Hunters just because I am not becoming addicted to Savannahs like them
Dinner again back at the Buffet – don’t they ever just serve
a flipping peanut butter sandwich ???
Whole new menu so once again have to try everything . Husband points out that I don’t eat Ice Cream
and I snottily reply that I needed something to try the chocolate sauce
with. What does he know, all they do is
eat toast and drink Savannah
DAY FIVE
S**t I honestly didn’t think it would be this hard (note to self, eat toast tomorrow as well, but try and not eat everything else with it) Now feeling slightly full and glad that car is packed and we are on the way to Falls – couldn’t keep pecking at the Buffet again ! Thank Goodness I am wearing my Magic Jeans from Woolies – the ones that make you lose 10kgs the minute you put them on !
Visit to the falls where I am now too full to walk so end up
sitting in the Rainforest Restaurant while the Savannah addicts make their way
round the falls. Sneak in a piece of
caramel and coffee cake as they are going to be ages and no sooner wiped away
the crumbs and they bloody well came back – what one earth is wrong with these
people. They order lunch and I can’t say
no otherwise the cake episode will come out so end up eating a giant wrap
filled with warthog, hummus, avo and salad.
It was delicious but I am now too full to enjoy it and trousers starting
to pinch.
We head straight off on a River Cruise and walk in to trays
of snacks on the tables – No way can I look at them, so sit upright as trousers
are now getting tight, with my back to the table. Don’t dare turn round which is a good thing
as family are now cracking the Savannahs and disgracing themselves once again!
I don’t believe it, we are heading off to the Boma for a
full on 26 course menu and I have to do the job I have given myself justice –
barff in the toilet might work but just can’t bear the thought of it so grin
and bear it, wriggling uncomfortably in my chair. I managed to force down eland, warthog
(again) ostrich, buffalo, croc (again only this time I knew) lamb but drew the
line at Rabbit. Guests finally decided
to eat something – no wonder as they have only eaten toast for five days ! I can’t face local beer so chugging down G
& T’s – only way to get through this food fest !
Woke up in the middle of the night with the realisation that
Floyd was a flipping fraud just like my bloody magic jeans – he never ate a
damm thing – he just drank everything !!!!!!!!
DAY SIX
Breakfast at Gorges Lodge – drank far too many G & T’s
so threw down the greasy omelette with ultra-crispy bacon – my choice, not the
Chefs – and mentally prepared myself for another day. I have the day with husband alone as guests
canoeing – ha let’s see if their muscles have benefited from all the Savannah
bottles being lifted up and down
I want to vomit – my husband wants to go back and eat
another wrap at the Rainforest Restaurant – shit has this man not eaten enough
!!! Force down yet another Wrap, this
time chicken and try to look enthusiastic when he starts raving about the food
– that’s my job actually !
Back to the Lodge and on to dinner which is served at
breakneck speed – apparently the barman feels my group is an asset in the bar
as they are very festive and he wants them back. I want to curl up on the couch and go to
sleep as so full I can’t walk to my room – I am NOT partying with that crowd ! End up partying with that crowd and branch
out onto Amarula !
DAY SEVEN
I had to wait for Husband to go to the bathroom before I
could get dressed – more magic jeans only this time I had to lie on the bed to
zip them up. Haven’t done that since I
was 19, a size 6 and it was cool to wear skin tight jeans – now the jeans are
holding my skin together in case I burst !!!
Guests riding elephants and we dash into the restaurant for
a piece of toast before we leave – chef arrives with identical breakfast from
yesterday and it would have been rude to refuse – ended up with toast,
pancakes, omelette crispy bacon and cheese
Head down to Elephant Camp on our way to Hwange and almost
stop breathing in in admiration – what a beautiful place. Could feel myself reeling towards the
breakfast buffet and became afraid I might fall face first into the corn flakes
– F**K – I think I might be the one with a problem here !
We drive down to Hwange Main Camp and are collected by the
Guide from The Hide who informs us that he has bought a packed lunch in case we
are hungry. Guests start retching – bloody
show offs ! I am fixated by large white
cake box on the seat. Somehow end up with a handful of oat cookies and a lump
of cheese. Sat for 2 hours in awkward
upright position as trousers no longer moveable. Leap into stretchy gym trousers (who was I
kidding), the minute we arrive in camp.
Bloody bloody hell – they feel tight as well. Might have to resort to loose pyjama pants
tomorrow !
Not in camp for five minutes before the drums start for
dinner – is everyone nuts !!!!!! - do
these people not realise you need at least 5 hours between meals for your food
to digest properly. Have heard you can fill up on liquid before a meal and it
stops you eating so drink bottle of red wine.
Am the first at dinner table (note to self, check chair dimensions,
theirs feel really tight). Relief as
small starter served but almost caught myself licking the plate as delicious.
Drink more wine.
First in queue for
Roast Lamb. Now life and soul of the party. Family giving me dark looks but don’t care,
wine is part of my new weight loss programme.
Waiter hands me a side plate with extra lamb on it – how did he know ! Gulp down delicious dessert and Husband hands
his to me – is he trying to make a point here??? I graciously decline but waiter has to prize
my fingers off the glass when he tries to take it away – drink Husbands wine
instead… Vaguely remember Amarulas being
handed around in coffee ! Family is
abstaining which I find very rude as Savannah sales have now plummeted
DAY EIGHT
Thank goodness for early morning coffee – drop hot water all
over the biscuits which I eat anyway with a teaspoon. Breakfast again – how on earth are you
expected to eat three meals a day – it’s bloody impossible. Gamely manage to force down fruit and muesli,
eggs, bacon, toast, tomato and sausage.
Family eats Muesli – what’s wrong with their bloody toast ??? Huh
??? Am last person at the breakfast
table. Husband has gone off with Guests
for game drive. I end up lying comatose
on the pool lounger as can no longer sit upright. Have torn out page in camp magazine about an
online diet club – might be interested !DAY NINE
Look in the mirror and recoil in total horror – my eyelids
have put on weight… They are so fat I
can hardly open my eyes and end up jabbing myself with the mascara. Go to breakfast wearing sunglasses and eat
Museli. Germans sit down to TWO pieces
of toast, two eggs, bacon, baked beans, tomato, and corn fritters! Now they decide to bloody well eat?????? Just to make a point, I go back and eat eggs, bacon, toast, baked
beans (place went up a notch or two in my estimation) and tomato. Drew the line at corn fritters as highly
allergic. Husband makes snide remarks
about throwing up ! Keep bumping into
things as glasses a bit dark but don’t care.
Now in the comfort of our own transport and can remove
glasses – no one seems to notice fat eyelids.
Not five minutes later Husband suggests stopping at Halfway House for –
wait for it – another BLOODY sandwich.
He offers to share half with me – we are going to have to have a very
serious talk when we get home. I eat it
anyway. We finally get in the car and
head for home. Will be writing to BBC food to complain – Floyd was definitely
travelling with wardrobe, hair and make up crew who are as round as Telly
Tubbies as he made them eat all the food.
I am totally dishevelled, bruised from banging into things, breathing
heavily as the sloppy pyjama pants I am travelling in are too tight and wishing
the coke in my hand is red wine. ( Note to self, make sure I book an
appointment to have my jaw wired as soon
as possible)
No comments:
Post a Comment